(A love letter sent to me from my Hubby)

How is it possible to feel lonely in a city of 20 million people?  I guess it doesn’t help if you are half way around the world from your home and everyone speaks a language that you don’t understand.

Whenever I am on a long- more than 3 or 4 night- trip I always hit a wall at about the 4th or 5th day.  I wake up feeling a deep sadness that cannot be erased by 33 degree weather, sunshine, pleasant companions, infinite distractions or even vineyards (well, maybe vineyards).  It is with me from then on until the morning I wake up knowing I am going home and back to you that day.  While I am busy doing things and with other people I can push it in the background but it always there like an undertow, waiting to drag me under again when I am alone.

I even experienced this the last time I went back to Canada without you where my daughters, friends, extended family and family-in-law live.  It took a few extra days because I was surrounded by the other people I love deeply and hadn’t seen for some time but one morning I woke up and felt simply, alone, even though I was staying with our best friends.  I think it is not really possible to truly enjoy something unless you can share it with the person you love as a partner.  Even solitary, personal activity like sports or independent hobbies can really only be completely savoured I know that when the distraction ends I can talk to my soul mate about the experience or just know that this is not the only thing that matters in life and that I don’t need to keep looking for another activity to fill your life.  Love flows in all of the gaps like water in sand. 

When people ask if I like to travel (since I do so much of it), I always say that I really enjoy travelling and working with new people and in new places but I really hate being away from my family.  I accept it because it is what I do and what I seem to be good at and I have been privileged to see firsthand so much of the world but I do not know many people who would actually want my job.  I think it is only tolerable because I do have so much to go home to. I believe that it would be even worse if I was single and not more enjoyable because I would be free from missing you.  I am sure I would take the time to stay a few extra days to experience more of the social aspects of wherever I am and be able to extend the distractions but at the end of the day when I am alone, I would rather be missing you and knowing I will be going back soon than be truly alone.

I will be home soon, my love!

One thought on “Loneliness

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